I feel like I’ve finally found a competitive online game that I enjoy and can’t stop thinking about. Rematch, Sloclap’s 3/4/5-a-side football game, is what Rocket League would have been based on if the world made any sense. It’s not, which has resulted in a bizarre situation where you have to describe Rematch as Rocket League with people instead of cars… so, just football, then. Anyway, I love it. In fact I love it despite the fact that a large portion of the player base is the absolute worst kind of person: a ball hog.
Rematch isn’t an easy game to get to grips with. Unlike most football games, where passing and shooting feels guided to ensure you get that sense of being a professional, in Rematch it’s incredibly easy to fluff things so sensationally you can’t help but laugh. Fail to swivel fast enough before taking a snap shot and you’ll fire the ball into the side wall: embarrassing! Point the left stick (if you’re playing with a controller) slightly skewwhiff while passing and that dream through-ball you imagined ends up setting up a counter attack in the opposite direction: face palm! Get a little ahead of yourself in goal and you’ll dive in completely the wrong direction of the incoming shot: sorry!
This is to say, I understand that people will make mistakes in Rematch. I make plenty of them. Learning while playing is part of the game, especially as the training isn’t the best at the moment. What I don’t understand is how many people are playing this and completely failing to grasp the very basics of football. Please, if you are reading this and are playing or plan to play Rematch, pass the ball. If you’re playing in goal, read that request again, and again. Pass the ball.
The football snob in me is starting to creep out, now, like a snail who thought that drop of rain was enough of a reason to make a dash onto the baking-hot pavement. I know it’s ill-advised, but I can’t help it. If I was playing on PC or Xbox where a large portion of the player base is likely to be giving Rematch a whirl via Game Pass, I’d be thinking along the lines that a lot of these people (perfectly nice people, I’m sure, but football morons, to be blunt) don’t really have much of an idea of what football is and just saw it in the latest additions and fired it up. Fair enough. But I’m playing on PlayStation where people paid at least £20 to play this. I say “play” but no one watching the calamities I’ve witnessed would dare to suggest this is football being played. Bungled, sure. Masacred, if you’re being even more dramatic.
It’s become a bit of a joke amongst the burgeoning community that all you hear during games is people spamming the “give me the ball” button. “Pass it,” “square it,” “back post,” and so on, endlessly. I hate it, but I understand it. A lot of players simply refuse to pass the ball. I’m endlessly making myself open to receive the ball from the goalkeeper, only for said keeper to attempt an overhead flick over the oncoming attacker. Nine times out of 10 this fails, and the opposition scores into an open goal. If it doesn’t fail, nine times out of 10 the next attacker will leap onto the goalie and dispossess them, scoring into an open goal. If this doesn’t fail, and the goalie is now over the half-way line, they’ll continue to refuse a pass, often opting to shoot from way too far out, the sensibly placed goalkeeper saving effortlessly. Unless someone has decided to fill the void left behind this galavanting nincompoop, guess what? Correct! The goalie with the ball in their hands now simply has to shoot straight down the pitch to score into an open goal.
Good job, everyone. Good job! This is where things have started to become a little unpleasant. During my initial days with Rematch I’d use the pre-set quick-messages like the lovely person I am. “Sorry” I’d say shamefully as I missed an open goal. “We’ve got this” I’d yell as the team took a commanding 2-0 lead. “Good job!” I’d say, happy to acknowledge a lovely bit of play from a teammate. Well, things are starting to sour on that front, and I’m not happy about it.
“Good job” has, for many players, become a contronym. Yes, it at times does mean exactly as you’d think, a congratulations to someone who has done something worthy of praise. But, shamefully, I and others are now using “Good job” when the goalkeeper thinks they can dribble the length of the pitch. “Good job” I instinctively jab on the controller quick-select button. Real “Good job” you absolute cretin! I’m not proud of myself, OK.
Football has always brought out the worst in me. I will quietly watch my beloved Spurs, raising a semi-clenched fist occasionally but not with too much emotion just in case celebrations are cut short by a VAR decision, but you wouldn’t believe the words I’m muttering in my mind – truly shocking stuff. “Good job” is just the tip of the iceberg. Funnily enough, a lot of this also stems from wanting people to “pass the ball!”
Thankfully I’m starting to see things improving in ranked matches, where the general play is far more team-focused than in quick matches. I hope there’s some way Sloclap can start to reward team players a bit more, though. Currently it’s far too easy for a complete chancer to score way more points in a game than a solid team-first workhorse. If this can be changed we might see less moments of complete idiocy.
A copy of Rematch on PS5 was provided by the publisher.
